Tuesday, April 04, 2006
By the Numbers
Just to complete the thought. Double penises aren't the only numerical medical anomaly. The Nutty facts about your Nads pages at the BLLCKS testicular cancer awareness site report that records from World War II show at least nine cases of men drafted into the British armed forces who had three testicles each.And, of course, then there's the whole matter of third nipples. Estimates suggest that 1 in 10 people in North America have a third nipple. That's something like 30 million people in the United States with extra nipples! Wow. 1 in 10… Think of nine people you know. If you can't believe one of them has a third nipple — well, then it must be you! You could, you know. Most third nipples are small and easily mistaken for freckles or moles. Actor Mark Wahlberg has one. Tilda Swinton has one and says she's used it to threaten her brothers her entire life. (No, I don't know what she means by that.) You can find out more by visiting the Superfluous Nipple blog or check out these third nipple piercings! However, for a much funnier take on the subject, go surf around the Third Nipple site. Best pick-up lines to use when you have a third nipple. How to deal with savage third nipples. How to use your triple nipple for career and social advancement. This site has all of the answers. I'll bet you didn't know that "33% of Triple-Nipplers have their third nipple surgically removed during childhood. Afterwards, they frantically run around school asking people to sign their nipple casts." No, I thought not.
Monday, April 03, 2006
No Bones About It
Looking for ways to fill your time now that both the men's and women's NCAA Tournaments are almost over? Did you "spring ahead" and find you now have an extra hour of daylight to kill? Well, make yourself useful! Go read about how to give the perfect hand job. Or go work on your flirting skills. Now that the weather is warming up, you might just find that the person you've been sitting next to on the bus all winter and who always looked a lot like the Michelin Man is actually kinda hot underneath all that down and wool. Or, if you have a few friends who are feeling particularly frisky and vernal, you could try a few sex games at your next dinner party. Just a thought. Invite me and I'll bring cheesecake! (That was another thought.)What else? I've written before about how it is a man can break his penis. But it could be worse. At least the human male doesn't have a penis bone. OK, I suppose the proper name is baculum, but we always called them penis bones back home in Kentucky. I think I actually have a raccoon penis bone in the bedside table. Anyway, most male mammals seem to have them. I guess when you're a weasel, you don't have time to look at porn or engage in foreplay before slipping it to that special gal weasel. You take the opening (so to speak) and go for it. A penis bone must come in handy. The only question I have has to do with the above page at Skulls Unlimited. Who makes replica penis bones and why? (For those of you who flunked your Metric to English units conversions in middle school, that 30cm long elephant seal penis bone is a foot long. Too bad he has fish breath.)
Speaking of penises, apparently my mother wasn't as delusional as I first thought when I heard she showed up on her wedding night expecting my father to have two penises. According to the penis trivia on The Penis Page, there have been over 80 documented cases of men with two penises. The mind boggles! Which way to hang — both left, both right, one each way? Do they both get hard at the same time? If they do, can they be used… well, you can imagine. Would I pass out? Which one pees? ARRRGH! My brain hurts!
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Whose Nose Knows?
I'm sure this must have seemed like a good product idea at the time. But have you heard about this new perfume called VULVA Original? According to the German manufacturer, this is an exciting new form of an old scent that "men have been mad about … since time immemorial. Now you can have it anywhere, anytime — with the authentically natural vaginal fragrance, Vulva Original, the sensual accelerator."Now, for some of us, including Salon.com's Page Rockwell, this brings up more than a few questions:
"But there's something I can't figure out: Who needs this product? The Web site calls the fluid ‘the object of every man's desire,' so it seems it's being marketed to people who want to have sex with men… But if you're a woman, and you want to use the scent of a real vagina to entice a man … you already have a real vagina!! You don't need to buy this! If you're a man who wants to become the object of every man's desire … is the scent of a real vagina really going to attract the kind of guy you're looking for?"
To be fair, the Vulva site seems to suggest that this scent may be intended for straight men who want to smell pussy at some point in their day when they don't have any available, just to get a little libido pick-me-up. Rub a little on the back of your hand and allow Vulva (or should I say, "Vulva, the fragrance") to "beguile the senses with the scent of a real vagina." Or what? Convince the guys at the laundromat that you got lucky between the wash and dry cycles?
Or maybe what we should be thinking is that men are like bloodhounds! And Vulva is like the sample scent they wave in front of the dog's nose before sending him out, sniffling and woofing, to track down the runaway excapee from the chain gang. Which is to say, without a whiff of Vulva before heading out to the clubs, a guy just might get confused and bring home a Shetland pony.
Oh, and if you're saying to yourself, "Why don't they call it Vagina?" then perhaps it's time for you to listen to The Proper Words Song. The sing along starts tonight at 10 o'clock. We'll make s'mores.
Monday, February 27, 2006
Purple, Green, and Gold
Happy Mardi Gras everyone! If any of you wants to flash your breasts from theWord Oyster balcony, I'll be more than happy to swap in your gratuitous boob shot for my Photo of the Day for an hour or so! But hurry! Fat Tuesday doesn't last forever!
Allow me to apologize up front, but I'm afraid I've accumulated yet another bunch of links to articles about penis length. (For the first bunch, see Sighs Matter from last October.) For instance, a recent study of men who underwent penis enlargement surgery found that 65% of them weren't happy with the results. The procedure, which involves cutting the ligament that holds the penis in place and which then allows the penis to drop lower, added only about half an inch of length to their flaccid, stretched penis…Time out. You say you didn't know that measuring the penis when it is soft and deflated is the only fair way to go? Silly you. There are actually rules for measuring penis length and lots of studies that have done just that.
This time, the reporter is saying that the average for an unstretched penis is 3.5 to 4 inches. The average for a flaccid, stretched penis is 5.1 inches. Mind you, that's for a "self-stretched" penis. Once you involve someone else doing the stretching… all bets are off.
So, thanks goodness for blood flow and the corpora cavernosa! And if you don't know what those are, then you should check out this article about how Viagra works, which also explains how erections work. It sounds like there's one gentleman in Serbia who could have used some Viagra to get an erection instead of resorting to his MacGyver idea. Ouch.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Heart Smart Cart
There are only two shopping weeks until Valentine's Day! And, while I understand how many of you believe that this holiday has suffered from the curse of Hallmark and Victoria's Secret and those chalky little heart candies, isn't it a good excuse to splurge on a few new trinkets for the bedroom? I mean, do you need an excuse to buy a new flogger or some Astroglide Warming Liquid? Exactly. But, if you do, I'm afraid it's too late to host that sex-toy party. No, it's time to shop, shop, shop if you're going to have anything delivered in time to surprise your lover or potential lover. And since Word Oyster is about nothing if not service (wait a minute… I thought Word Oyster was about the sex lives of beetles and fish), I'm here to pass on a few recommendations.Now here's an idea that is long overdue: a rechargeable vibrator. Yes, it's a little pricey. But think of the cachet of having a sleek silicone vibe with a docking station! This model is more realistically shaped, has a very nice curve… wait for it… and it has this nifty little joystick (so to speak) on the non-business end for controlling the variable speeds and pulsing patterns. However, if that's a little outside your budget, how about the dual-action Insatiable G Vibrator? It's half price this week. And while it uses batteries, it has a certain Japanese charm with its purple jelly G-spot vibrating dildo and nubby clit stimulator. Take a look. And if anyone has tried this one, please leave a comment. I'm thinking the price is right.
Let's see. What else? Definitely check out the Art Toys page over at Blowfish. Their prices on glass dildos are very good (and I definitely recommend having one of those around!). Plus you should check out the decorative butt plugs for that festive, holiday effect. While you're at Blowfish, you could also look at the Sex Cushions. These are definitely pricey. However, I own a Wedge and can assure you that it is a lot better than two or three randomly placed pillows. Think about it. Maybe you know someone with a crafty streak who can make knockoffs.
For those of you into spanking and such, how about this Heart Spanker from Good Vibes? It's a stiff leather strap with heart-shaped cutouts. Supposedly, it will leave little heart shapes on your bottom's bottom… at least in the beginning. I would suggest having a digital camera at the ready, since there's no reason your bottom shouldn't be able to share in the visual fun… later.
Finally, there are bodyperks. They aren't really for Valentine's Day, but I had the link left over from the summer. What are Bodyperks? Fake erect nipples to wear under clothing for that "playful look without the need for cosmetic surgery or uncomfortable push-up bras." OK. Right.
If anyone else has any ideas, please share!
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Body, Be My Brush
I'm not sure what to make of this one. But I saw it on the Craigslist artists board and thought I would share it with you. Feminine Flowers is a site selling what claims to be paintings done by a young woman artist who applies "chilled acrylic paints" to her pussy and "with perfect positioning over the canvas" creates erotic prints. Honestly, I might like them better if she were printing herself onto some better backgrounds… and perhaps if she didn't go on in her artist's statement about mixing the paints with her "natural lubricants." Is this real or not? You decide. I'm thinking it's a college prank — something someone at UC Davis thought up for beer money.On a related subject, Eye Weekly recently answered a reader's question about what paints would be safe for body painting, painting on canvas with one's body, accidentally getting into one's eye or vagina while rolling around in paint with one's lover on some canvas, etc. Short answer? Crayola Washable Kids' Paint. And goggles. And maybe a douche afterward, just in case.
A much, much better recommendation (also from Craigslist) is the Nude and Erotic gallery from the Seattle Lighten Up Gallery. (OK, yes. The gallery's acronym is SLUG. Aside from their logo being made up of green slugs, you can overlook that.) The gallery features the work of 22 photographers and painters. You're certain to find something there you like. I particularly enjoyed the work of Kenney Mencher. His paintings are very voyeuristic, but in a surreal sort of way that I think you'll enjoy.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Catching Up: Photos
So much I wanted to share! And so much for good intentions. Now this is all either old news or irrelevant or… Well, let's just say that I'm sure I had something I wanted to say about each and every one of these links when I put them aside for posting. Perhaps some order will present itself as I go along. You know, like a Seurat painting, except with links to naked people with vibrating butt plugs. Let's start with some recommendations for stuff to look at…The INTIMACY (human people) project is definitely my year-end art browse recommendation. Put together by the same folks who gave you the Skin/Strip online exhibit, INTIMACY (human people) features work by over 100 invited photographers. The aim of the project:
"Perhaps nowhere so obviously as in the visual depiction of intimacy have the boundaries between art and entertainment been eroded. The question is: what defines intimacy in the 21st century? Today everybody has a camera and access to the Internet. Images of highly personal, intimate moments have become part of our everyday. With ‘INTIMACY (human people)', the boundaries between photographer and performer/model and reality/ fiction becomes completely blurred."
The exhibit is easy to browse, easy on the eyes… and features REAL LOOKING PEOPLE of all genders and sexual orientations! The photo to the right, taken from the exhibit, is by baccerelli, who also posts at Flickr.
Wait! I have another photo site to recommend. ::bisexuel.dk is a free, personal site featuring almost 3000 photos and 50 or so videos of a Danish couple and a few of their play friends. As the name implies, there's a little of everything — threesomes, male-on-male, mutual masturbation, outdoor sex, etc. But again, the recommendation is coming from me to you because these are REAL LOOKING PEOPLE (OK, yes… attractive real-looking people, but real-looking just the same) having what looks like fun, real sex! The videos are a little slow to download, but you can always look at the photos while you're waiting!
Lastly, I'd also like to give a plug (no pun intended) to my fellow sex blogger over at MOC Blog. Started by a gay man with a little inheritance money and a dream, MOC Blog is a "gay adult website devoted to men of color." It has photos, snappy commentary on politics of all kinds, issues related to sex that apply to all of us gay or straight, and so on. And besides. I've already written here that research has shown that you girls don't care whether the guys in the photos are gay or straight. It works for you either way. "Show me the woodies!"
Monday, October 31, 2005
Happy Halloween!
This is going to be my shortest post ever, but I think the pictures are the story. Have a great time tonight!Friday, October 07, 2005
Darken My Door No More
After my "Penis-Palooza" on Wednesday, I still had a few leftover links to share with you. So, let's get on with that. It's quite clear that I'm not getting anything else done today. Time to put on Tegan & Sara and talk about anus bleaching.If you look at this photo, you will see that the skin around this woman's anus is darker than her regular skin. And perhaps, more to the point, I guess it isn't as pink and puckerific as the ones she and we see in porn. So… that cannot stand! It must be fixed! At a cost of about $150 per treatment — probably closer to $750 by the time you're all done — you can have your local beautician apply gels to lighten and brighten your nether regions. Oh… wait. You really should have the laser hair removal, too. Better take out that second mortgage.
One would assume that this is being tried on the skin surrounding the pussy as well. And nipples. It didn't take more than two seconds for me to find a product for bleaching nipples. Now you can "bring the pinkness of youth" back to your nipples, right in the comfort of your own insecure bedroom.
I suppose this is nothing new. I have a friend who swore 10 years ago that she was never going to have kids because she didn't want her nipples to turn brown.
So, maybe it's not porn afterall. But it's just one more thing. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm so removed from all of this that such a thing as anus bleaching never ever occurred to me. I got the whole idea of waxing — female, male, ‘nads, backs, butts. But penis enlargement surgery and labiaplasty to get the perfect, symmetrical labia? Not so much.
Time’s Running Out
The Fourth Annual Blogger Boobie-Thon for Breast Cancer and Hurricane Katrina and Rita Victims is online and taking contributions for less than 48 more hours. You have until tomorrow night, Saturday October 8, at 11:59 p.m., to make your pledges and support the fight against breast cancer. Guys? Blogger babes' boobs. Fetch!
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ProsperoMassachusetts
Fascinated by language, drawn to art, and utterly amused by everyone's naughty bits. Beyond that, I'm hundreds of years old and I live on an island. Read the play.
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