Sighs Matter

It's interesting. Just as my daily torrent of spam has finally started to be less concerned with the length of my cock, and more concerned with the measurable volume of "man magma" I ejaculate (well… that and fake Rolexes), everyone seems to be writing about penis size. I can only conclude that my mailbox is the anti-trend spotter.

Columnists at the University of Virginia's student newspaper recently took on the question of whether penis size matters. Coeds interviewed at UVa seemed to not be interested in little ones and scared of big ones. "The maximum depth at which female stimulation can occur in the vagina is two inches." So, anything more is (supposedly) wasted length. But thickness? No disagreements there. Apparently you can't beat that full feeling. The writers also explode several of the penis size myths concerning hand size, shoe size, and skin color.

In an article that starts with poking fun of Jude Law's and Mick Jagger's floppy bits, Jonathan Margolis takes a humorous look at the whole question of penis proportions. I particularly like his natural selection argument:

"The reason we know that penis size isn't a deal-breaker is the fact that there are men on the planet with undersized willies. If women were only interested in blokes with chunky appendages, small ones would have been bred out of the population generations ago as women voted with their knickers. Evolution would have seen to it that men with thick ones had more lovers and more children, and so male appendages would, accordingly, have got thicker down the generations. Over the millennia, however, men have generally been able to make up for any deficit in their penis size with such attractive attributes as charm, kindness, power, brains, fame or wealth, while oafs with big willies but no idea what to do with them have consistently failed to attract the tastiest females on the market."

Of course, there are those who take the penis enlargement pills, tie weights to themselves, or even have penis enlargement surgery. And while I'm on the subject of penis enlargement, here are a couple of bonus (sausage) links:

• The Top 20 Euphemisms for Penis Enlargement Surgery

• According to this tiny collection of sex trivia, the smallest erect penis on record was just 1cm long. (It also says about one per cent of women can orgasm solely through breast stimulation. I know someone who can! Well, she tells me she can. Why wouldn't I believe her?)

• Before and after photos of penis plumping surgery. Be sure to check out the separate photo gallery. Be advised that there are fresh incisions and stitches in places that might make your legs cross. (I don't know about you, but these aren't exactly normal looking to me, these successful surgeries. I hope they're all happy customers.)

Of course, maybe surgery isn't the first place to start. According to Deb Levine on Yahoo! Health:

"There is NO known way to make what you have larger… except, believe it or not, losing weight. As a man gains weight, the fold of fat surrounding the base of the penis gains in mass too, basically enclosing more of the penis in its lair. For every 35 pounds you gain, you effectively lose one inch of penis length."

Oh. So that's where it went! Well, that's one more reason to hit the treadmill and cut down on the Skittles.

One last odd thing on all things penile. Bike riding. Don't do it. Recent studies have shown that traditional bicycle seats, the kind with a narrow rear and pointy nose, may cause impotence. The cause? Too much pressure on the perinium:

"The research shows that when riders sit on a classic saddle with a teardrop shape and a long nose, a quarter of their body weight rests on the nose, putting pressure on the perineum. The amount of oxygen reaching the penis typically falls 70 percent to 80 percent in three minutes. ‘A guy can sit on a saddle and have his penis oxygen levels drop 100 percent but he doesn't know it,' Mr. Cohen said. ‘After half an hour he goes numb.' Dr. Goldstein added, ‘Numbness is your body telling you something is wrong.'

Over the last 5 to 6 years since the first warnings were issued, new bicycle seat designs have been introduced that should have helped protect the perinium. However, the new research is indicating that the new seats (ones with cutouts, etc.) are still not helping. Bottom line? Choose a seat without a nose and make sure that your weight is actually resting on your butt bones, not on your perinium! "One middle-aged man rode in a special cycling event to honor a friend and has been impotent since. A 28-year-old who came in for testing showed the penile blood flow of a 60-year-old." Need I say more? Girls, this applies to you, too:

"In women, Dr. Goldstein said, the same arteries and nerves engorge the clitoris during sexual intercourse. Women cyclists have not been studied as much, he added, but they probably suffer the same injuries."

Didn't you just know, before you read it, that women cyclists wouldn't have been studied as much?

How long is a normal penis anyway? According to the medical journal, Urology, "men should know that a normal-sized penis is 1.6 inches or more when flaccid or 2.76 inches when stretched out." The same men in the study all thought that they were small and that the "normal" flaccid length should be to be 5.1 inches. (Don't you hate the word "flaccid?") Anyway, check out this link. The Reuters story is only so-so, but the photos that people have added in the comments section are very funny.

That's enough of this cock-and-bull for today. Men, if you've got ‘em, smoke ‘em.

Friday, September 30, 2005